Attack of the Vagrant

Monday, December 3rd, 2001.

My alarm clock radio went off promptly at 8:00am sending two annoying noises into the air: one was the annoying sharp string of beeps that are standard on most alarm clocks; the other, the godawful music of Creed. My response to the words, "Can you take me highhhhhhhher?" was a firm slap to the snooze button.

I took a moment or two to contemplate sleeping for the rest of the day, but then decided I would rather absorb some local culture, head out for a walk and chat up some merchants. I threw my legs over the side of the mattress and placed my feet on the floor.

"Fucking shit!" Bare thighs coming into contact with the cold metal frame of the cheap university bed was never a pleasurable morning experience. My roommate groaned and rolled himself over. I lit a cigarette knowing he hates me smoking in the room. I didn't have to worry about setting off the smoke alarm since I had detached it months ago. I threw on my faded Levi's and put on my long black leather jacket. Out the door I went. As it closed behind me, the alarm clock's brief "snooze" came to an end. I heard my roommate curse, get out of bed, and then stomp across the rooom to shut off the clock. I struggled to light another cigarette due to my mischevious laughter.

I was soon walking down a stretch of sidewalk, fast approaching the downtown area. As the shops became more frequent, so did the pedestrians on the street. Elementary school children darted around the other walkers trying to get to the playground before the bell, no doubt. I took a deep drag and finished off my fifth cigarette of the morning, then hastily flicked it off the sidewalk and into the mouth of an alley way.

My curiosity made me glance over to see where my smoke had landed and I was startled by what I saw. A white-bearded homeless man in his mid to late fifties dressed practically in rags was trying desperately to suck the remaining smoke out of the discarded cigarette. My face shriveled into a grimace of disgust at the sight. The bearded man then looked up at me and said, "Say, you wouldn't happen to have another one of them to spare, would ya?"

"Fuck no!" I responded. "I can’t spare any. Besides, these things will kill you," I sarcastically shot back.
"Ah come on--I'm well over the legal age!" The bum replied.
"Fine, "I said, withdrawing a cigarette from its package. "I'll sleep better tonight knowing that I played some part in getting the homeless off the streets--inhale deep."
I then tossed tossed the cigarette with an underhand motion just out of his reach. A small gust of wind pushed along by a nearby closing door helped the cigarette into a stagnant puddle by my feet. It quickly absorbed the festering water and the whiteness of the paper disappeared leaving a wet, rotten-looking brown colour.


I was fortunate enough to be carrying my camera that
horrific moring.

"Ah, fuck you!" the homeless man roared, his few remaining yellow teeth barred in anger. "You owe me a smoke ya son of a bitch!"
"The hell I do, you piece of shit!! Go get a job and quit wasting my time!"

I then turned on my heel started on my way again. Suddenly, without warning, I experienced a sharp stinging pain deep within my shoulder just under the collar bone.

"Yarrrrrrrgggghhh!" I screamed.

Looking down at my shoulder, I saw the filthy hand of the bearded vagrant clutching a deeply imbedded hypodermic needle! Despite the intense pain shooting through my body, my mind was racing! I was much more concerned with long term effects of this encounter than I was a bit of exterior damage...or so I thought.

"You goddamn cheap son of a bitch!" the bum wailed as he applied all of his weight onto the needle. A loud groan was all I could muster. I could feel the syringe tearing my flesh. Suddenly I heard a 'snap' and I was momentarily freed from the psychopath. The needle obviously could not handle the thrashing about. My leather coat also must have aided in breaking it in two.

By this time bystanders watched in horror as the crazy bearded man made another lunge for me. This time I was ready. I ducked quickly to one side avoiding his lumbering attack.

"Arghrrmrph!" he muttered as he struggled to regain his footing. "You are so fuckin' dead" I screamed.

"Bring the noise!" he fired back.

With that, we charged one another. My fist made a swift and forceful blow to the man's mouth and I grinned as I heard a crunch as felt his jaw shift.

"Mmmarrrggghhh!" he squealed, as blood trickled its way down his fuzzy, cotton candy-like facial hair. He stumbled to his knees but then fell to the pavement on his side, taking long rattling breaths.

"You bumbling oaf!" I said. "It was a bad move trying to pick a fight with a fit, young student. I not only get to enjoy kicking the shit out of your aging body, I can also enjoy peace of mind because no court in the country gives two shits if I exterminate your sorry ass!"

"Yah?" The bum wheezed. "Well you won't be too happy with what I injected into ya!" He then laughed maniaclly.

"For your sake, I hope that's only a bum joke," I calmly responded.

I then lept into the air and brought my knees to my chest.. The heals of my heavy boots were poised and ready for impact. A cluster of pigeons took off, startled by my aggressive movement. As I descended, I eyed the unshaven throat of the homeless man--it was my target. I made a mental note to thank my grandmother once again for buying me the Bruce Lee Collector videos, closed my eyes and clenched my teeth tightly.

An audible 'thud' mixed with a 'pop' echoed in the nearby alley as my entire body weight crushed the man's spinal cord. It was a mere stubborn layer or two of old dirty skin that made the difference between a broken neck and a decapitation. The bum's body trembled momentarily but then stopped as the last sour breath exited the lifeless heap.

There was a shocked silence from all on the sidewalk who had stopped to watch. My mind became conscious of all that was going on for the first time in what seemed like ages. I noticed that cars had stopped on the street to view the scene, while mothers tried in vain to cover the eyes of their curious young children.

Utter silence.

My mind raced. "Will this mob now take my life! What have I done?!"

Suddenly the silence was broken by the sound of...clapping! I looked up, puzzled. I observed that this was no solitary clapper, for others were readily joining in. Smile after smile appeared on the faces of the bystanders; cheers and whistles were made; and car horns honked with excitement.

"Good work," said a middle-aged man in a suit as he patted my back with approval. "Don't worry, we saw it all -- that asshole got what he had coming."

"Damn right, he did!" another man added.

My mind took a rest. "Self defense -- self defense all the way," another voice said.

I turned around and saw the figure of a police officer. I froze and nervously muttered something.

"Don't worry, son. You did good. You did real good," he said, grinning.

After that there was only the matter of my wound. I spent the rest of the day enduring test after test at the local clinic. Thankfully, there was no sign of any diseases or foreign substances in my system.

Just to play it safe, they gave me a tetanus shot. The nurse gave me a bandage for the cut on my shoulder and sent me on my way with a lolly-pop.