Monday, February 20, 2006

I WORK WITH RETARDS

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When I began the two-week training period for my current (sucky) job some months back, the sight of my soon-to-be-co-workers depressed the hell out of me. There I was, in a room with a bunch of computers, whiteboards and -- well, people that looked like they had been rounded up at a bus stop... near a mental hospital... in a bad part of town. (Come to think of it, is a mental hospital ever located in a good part of town? Real Estate Agent: "You'll be just two blocks from the grocery store and three blocks from the bank. You've got a public school down the road, and conveniently, that's a mental hospital right next door! Don't worry, the screams quiet down at night.")

We had all been hired to work at a call center. I had never worked at one before, but I was relieved to learn that I wouldn't be making outbound calls. Everybody hates those people, who call you at dinner. No, we'd be receiving calls as customer service agents.

Anyway, I could immediately tell that one trainee in particular was going to be very annoying. At around three-hundred pounds, she was hard to miss. She was your typical trailer trash type and would use words like, "yous" and "aint." "Yous gonna eat that? You aint?!" *Scarf scarf!*

We'll call her Shyanne.

She really made me laugh a couple of times, though. No, I didn't talk to her and discover she had a heart of gold and a great sense of humour --- she just said some things that were fucking retarded.

When Rick, one of the managers, came in and gave the class a little introductory presentation, Shyanne would not shut up. She would keep interrupting, saying things like, "I'm gonna work real hard and get to the top, cause that's what I'm like in life. If there's something I want, I just go for it. I aint no quitter!" Rick was clearly annoyed, but he didn't lose his focus. I guess he was used to dimwits. Walking to the white board, he began drawing a patronizing little pyramid to illustrate "how the call center worked."

"You guys," he began, "are right up here at the top!" His marker squeaked as he underlined the top section of the diagram. "Without you, this organization cannot function. My job? Frankly, guys, I'm an expense. They pay me a salary to ensure that things operate smoothly, but without you guys... (Pausing for effect) I don't have a job. So you're right here at the top of the food chain. Me? The other managers? Down here." Squeak- squeak.

This proved to be a little too confusing for Shyanne, who raise her flabby arm in the air. Rick took a slow sip from his Starbucks cup, staring at her. Gulp. "Question?"

"Uhh, yeah. Like I said, I aint no quitter, and I want to get to the top. But... according to you're diagram there, we're... already at the top. So to get ahead, I'm going to have to work my way down?"

Dead silence. Well, except for my suppressed laughter.

Another idiotic comment of hers came a few days later, when Rick interrupted the class to give a talk on inappropriate office behaviour. He went though the whole gamut: sexual harassment, religious sensitivity, racism, proper attire, avoiding strong scents -- you name it. After a lengthy Q and A from a few stupid homies (yes, they actually wore their thugged out clothing) regarding what comments they could make about a girl without it being "sexual harassment" (and an ensuing discussion regarding the assertion that Rick was "trippin'"), the topic moved towards what we'd actually be doing on the phones.

Shyanne was once again concerned, because at her "old job," it was mandatory for the agents to try and actively "up-sell" the caller to better services, and also to show them that they were valued customers by making price concessions whenever possible. She asked Rick if we'd be doing any of that.

"You'll be happy to know, Shyanne, that up-selling is not required here. Also, because we are contracted out by a parent company, we don't have the authority to negotiate pricing."

Shyanne thought a moment. "Okay, but what if a customer is really trying to Jew you down, though?"

Ha ha ha. Wow!

After over an hour of sensitivity training, the dumb bitch hurls a racial slur at the guy who undoubtedly fires people for much less. Remarkably, he pretended as though he didn't hear it.

When I saw her later on I sarcastically commented, "Nice job with the 'Jew you down' comment to the head of the HR department!" She must have understood my tone.

"Oh, to 'Jew someone down' just means that you want to get a lower price on something, that's all."

It was actually pretty sad she didn't know that it related to the stereotype about Jews being cheap, so I quickly explained it to her. She didn't believe me. So I explained it again... a little more slowly. She said she understood, but I don't think she did.

It's no surprise, but she was fired a few weeks ago. She called in sick a lot; greased up her computer keyboard with fatty foods while she was at work; was "less than eloquent" when talking to clients. An all-around worthless human being.

6 Comments:

Blogger Angel said...

Hey now..I wouldn't say worthless. She gives the people at KFC financial security. That's something right? With out people like her, who would fight their way to the bottom of the pyramid?

Hope the smoking thing goes easy for you.

2:20 AM  
Blogger Angel said...

I'll help you with your header, just let me know when you're ready. I'm not the best, but I can make it work.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Wow, with fellow employees like that, have you made management yet? I always hate training with people that ask stupid questions and waste time. I just want to get down to it. I get the shivers just thinking about Shyann. I hope she doesn't park her trailer in my neighborhood. I personally like your comments on the homeys and the trippin about sexual harassment. Keep up the good work and you'll be at the bottom in no time.

10:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wino's boss is named Opie. He always wants Wino to put his finger in his mouth. It's pretty gross, actually.

Wino: What do you want?

Opie: Brlab, bluh! Brlab-buh!

Wino: Oh god, you make me sick. Why can't my boss just be a homie. Don't bite, at least...

Opie: Brlab-bluh! *smack-smack*

1:19 PM  
Blogger GrĂ¼ndel said...

Woo bb! Hook me up with Shyanne. She sounds like a winner too me and all that flab is a plus. :P

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was here at home griping about the hapless fuckwits I have to work with. Reading your story made me feel a bit better. Thank You.

9:06 AM  

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