The Good Doctor

Two years ago, my genitals were viciously ripped from my body and devoured by a pit bull terrier. The surgeons at the hospital managed to save my life, but I felt as though I would never truly LIVE again.

I went into a severe depression, and indulged excessively in drugs and alcohol in an attempt to ease my sorrow--but these substances had little effect.

Because my testicles were digested by that beast like a gourmet serving of Alpo, my voice became unusually high. On my frequent walks to the liquor store, school children teased me and requested that I sing Hillary Duff songs for them. I decided that suicide was my only option.

It was then, during the darkest, most miserable point in my life that I met a man (a Doctor, in fact) who claimed that he could help me. I was just about to leap from a tall bridge and drown myself in the river below it when he approached.

"You look like a man who's lost everything," I heard his voice say.

Turning, I earnestly replied, "You don't know how right you are."

He then offered me his hand, introduced himself as "Dr. Equestrian," and explained that he had heard of my plight.

"I can help you, young man," he said. "What that mongrel took away from you, I can return--and THEN some!"


Dr. Equestrian goes over the details of the surgery with me.

I was puzzled, to say the least---but genuinely intrigued to know whether the good Doctor could deliver on his promise of restoring my manhood. "I guess I don't have anything left to lose," I squeaked, trying my best to smile.

What Dr. Equestrian did for me was "nothing short" of miraculous! Using his medical knowledge, he successfully attached a stud horse's member to the scarred canvas that was my groin! Thanks to this brilliant man, I now possess the power and virility of Seabiscuit. I am literally HUNG LIKE A HORSE!


Dr. Equestrian and an assistant preparing the brave, transplant candidate.