Papal Pepper
The strangest thing happened earlier today. As I was walking through the living room I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Pepper was laying on a pillow against the wall. She was wearing a large, pointed hat and had wrapped herself in toilet paper! What on Earth!? I thought as I approached. The sweet scent of bourbon hung in the air.
I immediately assumed that she had gone insane, and that this dress-up activity was in response to her being fired from...the mission. Oh, I didn't tell you about that? Yes, unfortunately, on the day of...the mission... it was discovered that Pepper had a dangerously high blood-alcohol level, and she was immediately deemed an unworthy candidate. A sad state of affairs, I know, but her involvement would have likely jeoporadized...the mission.
"Pepper, what in the hell are you doing?!" I asked, gesturing at her ridiculous outfit.
"Go away," she said. "Can't you see I'm busy!?"
"--Actually, Pepper, I don't know what all of this is about. What's up with you?"
"I'm a little...I'm a little upset about the Pope's recent passing," Pepper went on to explain, lowering her head in dejection. "Although you seem to be thrilled with the whole thing, since it's just another point for you on the death list! The fact is, he was a great man!"
It was an uncomfortable moment. It was never my intention to disrespect the Pope--he truly was a great man, and did wonders for the Catholic Church... I just...thought he would be a sure-thing for the death list! It was only about the list!
"Gee, I'm...really sorry, Pepper. I--didn't know you were a practicing Catholic."
"You're not sorry!" she yelled, glaring at me. "All of this is just making you uncomfortable--you just want to be done with this awkwardness, don't you!? DON'T YOU?!"
"No, that's not it at all, Pepper--I just want to know that you're okay. I'm worried about your drink--"
"Don't you dare bring that up!" she hissed thunderously. "I've got enough in my bowl after losing my Captain rank and being dropped from the mission!"
"I--"
"--Fuck off--just--just fuck off. Leave me alone."
So I did. I left her there on the living room floor. I hope she gets through this difficult time in her life. I'd hate to lose her as a roommate. But man... I hope she stops dressing like such a weirdo. I fail to see how that getup paid tribut to the Pope in any way whatsoever.
I immediately assumed that she had gone insane, and that this dress-up activity was in response to her being fired from...the mission. Oh, I didn't tell you about that? Yes, unfortunately, on the day of...the mission... it was discovered that Pepper had a dangerously high blood-alcohol level, and she was immediately deemed an unworthy candidate. A sad state of affairs, I know, but her involvement would have likely jeoporadized...the mission.
"Pepper, what in the hell are you doing?!" I asked, gesturing at her ridiculous outfit.
"Go away," she said. "Can't you see I'm busy!?"
"--Actually, Pepper, I don't know what all of this is about. What's up with you?"
"I'm a little...I'm a little upset about the Pope's recent passing," Pepper went on to explain, lowering her head in dejection. "Although you seem to be thrilled with the whole thing, since it's just another point for you on the death list! The fact is, he was a great man!"
It was an uncomfortable moment. It was never my intention to disrespect the Pope--he truly was a great man, and did wonders for the Catholic Church... I just...thought he would be a sure-thing for the death list! It was only about the list!
"Gee, I'm...really sorry, Pepper. I--didn't know you were a practicing Catholic."
"You're not sorry!" she yelled, glaring at me. "All of this is just making you uncomfortable--you just want to be done with this awkwardness, don't you!? DON'T YOU?!"
"No, that's not it at all, Pepper--I just want to know that you're okay. I'm worried about your drink--"
"Don't you dare bring that up!" she hissed thunderously. "I've got enough in my bowl after losing my Captain rank and being dropped from the mission!"
"I--"
"--Fuck off--just--just fuck off. Leave me alone."
So I did. I left her there on the living room floor. I hope she gets through this difficult time in her life. I'd hate to lose her as a roommate. But man... I hope she stops dressing like such a weirdo. I fail to see how that getup paid tribut to the Pope in any way whatsoever.
posted by Wino McHackenpuke at 7:08 PM
10 Comments:
you guys are fucking killing me! your poor, poor, cat. maybe you should look into getting her into some sort of 12 step treatment program.
this is amazing
I think Pepper should be the next Pope.
Yeah, Pepper looked a little rough this morning. Maybe I was a little hard on her about making her eat her puke and everything...I didn't think she'd take the Pope's death so hard, though. But that's no excuse for her to jeopardize national security by drinking the night before...the mission. The General was right to dump her before...the mission.
-A
I like this post...
i really enjoy your blog, didn't lose any interest at all while reading it
May I ask who went on ...the mission in her place?
Oh, and I am totally blogrolling you, based solely on how awesome Pepper is.
Wow ... you have WAY too much time on your hands...
Pepper obviously is a sensitive soul. Your blog is quite the overstuffed sausage of laughs, and I am not funnin' ya either.
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