Teaching the Retarded

I wrote in my profile details not too long ago that I enjoy collecting things that are a little 'taboo' by today's standards. I find it fascinating that what was totally normal back in the mid-twentieth century is now so alien to most people. It was only a few decades ago, and yet the world has totally changed, and it's not showing any signs of slowing down, either!

If you've never stopped to consider why a lot of old people are so grumpy, it's because they've had everything they were accustomed to taken away from them! I would argue that the technological revolution that transpired during their lifetimes was far more shocking than the allegedly disturbing Industrial Revolution of the 19th Century, which basically just started the ball rolling. I mean, at least the changes back then were practical: Locomotives allowed for travel; advanced farm equipment gave people the freedom to shoot their mules in the head, and electricity meant we were no longer dependent on fire for light and warmth. Nothing wrong with those advances. Then came radio and television, which made things quite comfortable. Yes, everything was going just fine--especially during the golden years of the 1950s and 60s.

Nowadays, though, a lot of the gadgets and fads are so retarded! (Yes, I said the word retarded.) I often wonder how Ward Cleaver of "Leave it to Beaver" would have reacted to them had he the ability to scorn our way of life, as opposed to the other way around?

It was a simpler time back then. After a hard day of work, Mr. Cleaver would relax in the leather-backed wing chair with his pipe, newspaper and clinking glass of scotch on the rocks. Later, after June had finished washing the dishes, vacuuming the carpets and scrubbing the floors, she would accompany her husband to the bedroom and fulfill the most important of her wifely duties.

Yes, Ward Cleaver had it good. Fortunately, he never had to put up with what today's fathers have to.

Ward, wearing his plaid slippers, sits in the living room, reading the newspaper. A pipe rests between his pursed lips and his glasses balance on the tip of his nose.

Wally enters.

Wally: Hey Dad, what's shakin'?

[Startled, Ward violently shakes his paper, and ash spills from his pipe to the carpet]

Ward: Ge--wha--what did you say to me, young man!? You know to address me as SIR.

Wally: [Rolls his eyes, and says in an effeminate tone] Aye aye, captain, thir! (saluting)

Ward: [Exasperated] "Wally, you are really trying my patience, and that's the last thing I need after the day I've had! Why, earlier at the petroleum station, the negro attendant did a predictably awful job on the the Buick's windows, and streaked them horribly. And if that wasn't enough, I--

Wally: Yeah, yeah, great story, pops--but I'm runnin' late. I need you to give me a thousand dollars so I can get myself an iPod, some blow, a pedicure, and a bitchin' new wardrobe. I've gots to work on my metrosexual look a little more.

Ward: [Puzzled] Metro-what?

Wally: Metrosexual. It's what's in, dad, you wouldn't know.

Ward: Well, I'm not familiar with all the 'happening' doo-dads you youngsters have got going these days, but I'll give you some advice that is sure to never go out of style: a man doesn't get anywhere in this life on the charity of others; if you want these things so badly, I suggest you do like the Beav and get yourself a paper rou--

[Wally pulls a knife and puts it to his father's throat]

Wally: Listen good, old man! I'll open you up if you don't give me what I need! Now gimme the fucking cash!

* * *

Tisk, tisk. When will that Wally learn?

For some good reading, you should hunt down some old LIFE magazines from the 1940s or 50s. They've got excellent, frame-worthy stuff in those editions, I can tell you. A while ago I saw a full-colour ad for a car company. It was in that portrait-looking style, and depicted a young teenager's face in the foreground with an automobile of the day behind him. The advertisement was trying to say how safe their particular model of car was, so the caption read: "IT WOULD TAKE 16 YEARS TO REPLACE HIM." Classic. "Shit, Peter was decapitated in a car-wreck - I knew we should have got an Oldsmobile!"

I've also got an issue of LIFE from 1948, where they document in the "Science" section a couple of monkeys who had their skull caps removed and replaced with clear, plastic ones! They bolted them on and then took some amazing pictures, which are now framed on my wall. Great conversation piece.

Today, though, I'd like to show you a similarly amusing relic from the early 1970s. It's a book by Kathryn A. Blake, that I found in a thrift shop for 10 cents. It details how to properly educate the beautifully unique people who do not possess the intellectual strengths we often take for granted. I think Blake summed it up better in her title, which is TEACHING THE RETARDED. Simple. Powerful. To the point. Although something tells me in may not be in print any more. Shameful, really. Just look at all of those happy, retarded children on the book's cover!