The Handsomes

Hey everybody!

Don't forget to check out the other blog I post on: The Handsomes. It's a collaborative page that contains some pretty good material, and, like a fine wine, it's only going to get better with age... or it may turn to vinegar, I don't know (Wallace).

I can tell you that The Handsomes has had a short, yet interesting history, though! You see, there used to be three contributing members, but now that number has been wittled down to just two: Argus and myself. Ed, who was formerly a member of the team, recently experienced a series of devastatingly unfortunate events.

He was first hospitalized after dislocating his arm after a slip on the ice. Then, only a few days later, he was tragically struck by a city bus. He lost a leg, the use of his hands, and most of the skin on his formerly handsome face. And although the poor guy can still type with the aid of a pencil he puts between his teeth, he finds it to be a slow and frustrating process. And who can blame him? If my life was instantly destroyed in a traffic accident, I sincerely doubt that posting smarmy articles on websites would be very high on my list of things to do.


Ed patiently awaiting the arrival of medical professionals
at the scene of the accident.

The future of The Handsomes is uncertain at the present moment. Argus and I will continue to post, of course, but whether or not Ed will make a triumphant return is unknown. For the time being, the plan is to recruit other members. As of now, one invitation has been sent out to Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm. He has yet to contact me with his reply, but it is my opinion that he would make a good replacement.

- Wino.

Dangerous Mind

Today I entered the campus pub, ordered a pint of Guinness and sat down at a table to read a book of mine. It was around the lunch hour and the place was fairly crowded, but the background noise wasn't overly loud, so I was able to drown it out and focus on my reading--for about two minutes.

It was then that a guy and a girl sat down at the table directly beside me. The dude was pretty quiet, but the chick could not stop talking. I grimaced openly at their interruption and tried to continue reading, but it was no use. Their chatter made concentration impossible. I couldn't even move to another table, since they had seated themselves at the last available one!

Before long a guy got up from the table he was sitting at along the wall, and I quickly took the opportunity to relocate. This increased the distance between myself and the annoying girl from a matter of inches to about ten feet. Picking up my book yet again, I flipped to the page I had bookmarked and tried to resume.

"So then I was like, oh my God!" said the girl in her shrill, annoying voice. "Like, I totally did not expect such a low mark on my mid-term! Like, I studied and studied, and I even went to the see the prof about it, but he wouldn't let me re-write it, which I think is like, totally unfair!"

Fuck, I wish she'd shut the hell up! I thought to myself, shutting my book in defeat and reaching for my pint.

Just then there was a loud crash. I turned around, along with everyone else in the place, and observed that the mouthy girl was now on the floor, lying flat on her back. She then squirmed about and tried to quickly stand up, but got some help from the guy she was sitting with.

"Shit, are you okay?" he asked, pulling her by the arm to her feet.

Red with embarrassment, the girl only responded with an awkward smile as she adjusted her hair. The manager of the bar quickly jogged to their table to see what was the matter, picking up the wooden chair the girl had been sitting in. As he held it in the air for inspection, one of the legs dangled from a few splinters.

The girl couldn't have weighed more than 110 pounds, and was actually eating what looked to be a healthy salad when that leg snapped, sending her ass to the ground. But what was most incredible was the fact that the girl actually did shut up afterwards! I instantly realized that it had been my angry thoughts that broke the chair leg.

Normally I'd have used such an opportunity to return to my reading, but I just couldn't seem to keep from fantasizing about all the other things I would do with my newly discoverd telekinetic abilities.

Brooke Shields - Hawt

Blog Wars - Episode IV - A New Dope

As many of you are aware, the majority of my site's visitors do not arrive by way of the "Next Blog" button. No, most of the time they are lured here, provoked by some negative comment I left on their site, and determined to defend their honor. Now, more often than not, the exchange will end at that point. The person will type up some dim-witted response, submit it, and then read past articles of mine in search of fodder with which to attack me. Ironically, they end up loving the content they find and become regular readers. I see it happen time and time again.

Recently, as you may have noticed, I've been neglecting my Blogging. Nothing has specifically been keeping me from it; overall, I'd say that laziness and a general lack of inspiration are to blame. But all of that changed today, when, after checking in on my page, I noticed some activity in the comment section of my Oscar post. A user by the name of "web-Pix" had submitted what appeared to be some sort of insult. It read as follows:

"Oh got this is a blog with a lot of bla bla bla is this all ?or What - Art Lover."

Now, as near as I could tell, this was some sort of primitive Inuit dialect. Nah, I'm just kidding - it was simply the work of some mentally retarded person. In any event, I clicked on Web-Pix's name and immediately found myself on a site with many contributors. The most recent post, made today by a user named "Henri's World," was a Photoshop-edited picture of the one I have in my profile. Here is that picture:


I give them an A for effort. Click the picture
to view it, and more low-quality art from the
people at "web-pix."


Who is this "Henri's World" guy? I thought to myself. I reasoned that because I had never encountered him before, I must have insulted one the contributors of the page, and that this was some sort of geek retribution! Fascinating. I then set about viewing each of contributing members' profiles, in search of any that might seem familiar to me. My sleuthing turned up results before long, when I came across the name "Jozee."


Jozee

I immediately recognized her, as would any fan of the Canadian comedy series, The Kids in the Hall. Remember her "Chicken Lady" sketch? It was definitely one of the funnier segments of the program!


Jozee as "Chicken Lady"

But I also recognized Jozee from somewhere else! Yes, I quickly remembered visiting one of her many Blogs and coming across her so-called "artwork." The piece that led me to comment is exhibited below. What mas my comment, you ask? It was: "You call this art?! *pukes*"


Wow, man. It...transcends time and space. *Tearing up*
This work can be seen on Jozee's "Virtual Lovers"
Blog.

Here's what she had to say about the piece: "Much of this based on the function in dimension, space versus time, kind ofrelative to chronosynclasticinfindibulum - ie: The theory of the universe ... "

Translation: "I think that my pretentious, bullshit 'explanation' will justify such abstract garbage. I'm well aware that this looks like a screenshot of an Atari game, circa. 1979, but the people who visit my site won't! Ha ha ha ha!"

Jozee's response to my vomiting was, "Thanks for hating my work enough to comment.As my 2D design Prof said, 'If art invokes an emotion, any emotion ,it's true art.'"

That's an interesting stance your "Professor" has, Jozee. But in actual fact, his wisdom is a defense mechanism used by artists with no talent. My guess is that he keeps Andy Warhol silkscreens underneath his matress.

Your Professor would say that because I did not like your work I was not appreciating it for what it is. In reality, I'm dismissing it because of what it isn't. Your medium is boring, and requires little to no talent. The same can be said for all your buddies who tinker with the Hue and Saturation of pictures in Photoshop.